"A Feeling of Disgust"

I had been silent,
Didn't let go of my dreams,
Constructed walls,
Protected my own self.

You come by,
Lure me to an ending,
You hear out my dreams,
And leave me disgusted.

I held onto a mirage for years,
Broken now every wall is,
Barren now my dreams are,
God Bless Thee who caused me a shame non-forgettable.

"The Raw Reality"

'Reality', a word that means a lot to everyone and nothing can be done about it by anyone. We grow up and make friends and then we have stronger relationships. Sometimes in life, we need to ask ourselves where and how has the reality of these relationships settled? At some point of time we start belonging to a relationship or friendship or maybe profession and then it eats on to us and our capacity to bear the pain. It will be the rarest of realities that are happy. We lose ourselves to someone else and then we keep thinking that destiny has made that choice but where did our decision-making power hide? We don't like a dress we choose not to buy it, we throw an old shoe away and eat the food that suits us best then why sometimes we make choices against our own will? That's where we end up hurting ourselves and few others who really care about us.

The brooding over past is definitely a common thing. Girls tend to do that more even though they can come out and get over a difficulty easily. It is because they need to manage the running of a home so they can't stay put at one particular moment. Somehow it is good to think about the actions in past and the consequences that made the present of our lives. We always say that we should live at the present moment but a present wouldn't have existed without a past and future will not if there is no present. It is interrelated how much we try to deny.

If we never made choices even after wanting to then we never get a chance again. We can never get back that day, that moment and that choice of that past time. We may be standing parallel to the same moment but the roads never meet. We try in an effort to revive happiness or revive our souls or make a difference in maybe someone's life, but it never ends well. There will be a kind of remorse and unhappiness about it. Someone if you have hurt is back as the same old friend then believe me it is not the same. If a job comes back to you it may have different responsibilities. The 'coming backs' definitely should get you stronger and leave you with a self-realization never felt before. But sometimes these also come with a price of their own......you can end up making a stupid mistake. The lesson learnt should be never to make a choice without our will and if made never to bring back or retain it or even 'ease' it.

We are meant to live our own lives, but in the process never make another life difficult. We should respect the way we were born, the capabilities we have got and the immense gift of thoughts and ideas. We should never let a moment's joy or grief affect our whole life. Most important, never let go of our own secrets, keep the greatest secrets with ourselves. The secret to a healthy self-respect!

"Certain Nicknames"

Nicknames are just how people remember you at times. Your parents know you better by your pet name and as you grow up you get christened with various pet names with reasons and meanings behind each. Few pet names that I remember, given to me and given by me or the "a.k.a".

When I was around 6 years old:

• Chum - By Bro my 'bestest' friend because I was the sweetest girl on earth for him and it continued forever

School and College (11th & 12th) Friends

• Shorty - Forgotten who christened me this but reason being my short height.
• Petrol - A classmate named me in school because I seem to have fought with her
• Suji - I christened a beautiful girl (classmate), I really distorted the name!
• Kaddu - Given by a very close friend I named Pols....
• K- Given by my friend whom I called Shek
• Ruh - My friend Ruhi 
• Dipu - Deppak my friend

But most commonly I was and am still called Kavi.

Bachelor's and MBA:

• KKK - Can't expand it!!! My pet name running even now
• Hari Mirchi meaning green chilli given by my friend's brother's friends....
• Chutki again because I am short

I guess I can remember just this much. It may seem gibberish and meaningless to a lot of you. It holds importance now when I have looked back at my life and at those people who at one time been so good, close or hurt to have named me. Nice to have nick names. It means some one cares in some way and that I remember them in a special way. Thanks.

"Getting Back in Touch--How wonderful!"

Misty Shillong Welcomes Me

I have been amazed at my own joy and great expectations in meeting old friends after 7-10 years of absolute silence. I am in Shillong after 7 years. I have lived my childhood here and have grown up to be an extraordinarily straight-forward being.

I couldn't speak in English when I first came to Shillong (1991) and thus suffered severe consequences. My pencils, erasers and even lunch box were stolen and snatched in front of me and I couldn't even fight back. Then came rigorous training at home from Bro and teachers at school. Gradually, by late 1992, I could converse well enough. Since then, Shillong has just taught me lessons after lessons necessary to make the package that I am.

St. Edmund's College

I was always very choosy about friends and thus have very few friends. You can't get close to every person you meet! Now, thanks to Facebook, that I happened to bump into so many old friends, most of them married and mothers, most others well settled in life. I have met lectures, walked down those small lanes of St. Edmund's College, where I had famous and infamous adventures; met school friends, talked for hours of time long past. I am in nostalgia for the past 5 days and I guess it will never end now.


It is so wonderful to get back in touch, it is a different world. I have overlooked the bad and forgave the faults because it is just no use remembering them. I am so happy to have forgotten most things and just realize that when I was young, I was so difficult!  I am proud that people remember me and are so proud of me. I guess it was worth being born.

Walking down the memory lanes of childhood, I have relived it every moment, minute by minute, every dialog word by word and every friend nature by nature. Thank you Shillong and friends in here who have helped me grow.

Feels like heaven

"A Picture"

It wasn't a long time ago that I had a picture,
One that spoke of a few little things,
It concealed a smile,
And outweighed a few goods.

I had a little purse,
Inside was this picture,
It was old,
Alongside it I carried a note.

It had a captivating small face,
A huge smile,
And then I see it was me in a little white nappy!

I had it and forgot it,
I found it but kept it,
Kept it with my mother's old diary,
Knowing she will not lose it.

A picture when:
I was untouched with fury,
I was simply silly,
I was only my mother's girly,
And loved to be jolly.

Now, it is just a memory!

A memoir of My Brother

Dear Followers and Readers, I have started a page named "My Brother" in this blog and have been updating whenever possible. This page is intended to create a kind of a small memoir about my brother and help his life and writings be preserved and read by others.

It is an enormously difficult task to chalk out someone close's life. It hurts at first but I am so happy to be able to do something to keep him alive. It is a small effort and I hope to receive your appreciation and encouragement. I will  be writing about him and post his poems in the coming days.

Thanks.

"The Last Time I saw You"

I was a little surprised,
The last time I saw you;
We had so many things in common.

I was excited,
So were you,
I was worried,
And you were too.

We held an eye lock,
Speaking a million silent words,
We held our trembling hands,
And strolled for miles of evening roads.

Amidst confusion of where to begin,
I trembled at a thunder,
You held me close,
Whispered "You are safe";
That was the magical moment,
When you took my heart away once again.

I know you do that stealing everyday,
Day after day from the time I have known you;
Since three years back.

The Mighty Brahmaputra

A view of the Mighty Brahmaputra, flowing below the 3 kms long Kolia Bhomora Bridge connecting Sonitpur and Nogaon. I have been through this bridge for many times during my visits to my Granny's place, Aunt's and probably entire set of relatives!!! This bridge was named after the famous Ahom General Kolia Bhomora Phukan. The construction company, Hindustan Construction Company, had been awarded by the American Concrete Institute, the Certificate of Merit for "The Most Outstanding Concrete Structures" in the year 1988.

I have always noticed the Brahmaputra flowing over danger levels in the monsoon season and thus this sight was a surprise. Right in the heart of the river was a small strip of land shaped like an arc with numerous trees and bushes in full growth. Subject to my sleeping senses consequent of heat, I thought we had crossed the bridge. Then came the light of enlightenment! The Mighty Brahmaputra has gone so shallow giving way for a dense growth of trees. Is it just industrialization or human handiwork? 

Nevertheless, the Brahmaputra is still the largest river in India, and still the cause of fertile and green Assam. I had noticed that industrialization has its own Blessings and Curses. We are blessed with high quality, varied and hi-tech commodities. We are cursed with deforestation and filling of river beds for supporting the means to acquire the blessings.

I am forced to think where is population growth going to lead us? I have seen settlements right in the middle of this mighty river. They get washed off like sand when Brahmaputra floods. Then I think where will we support all the people? The rich can afford a house/flat but the poor seem to be destined to nature's mercies. It is difficult understand how much can I or any of us do to help this situation. NGOs have been working, but it is a pretty alarming situation. We can't tell people not to get married nor can we tell them not to have even a single child..! 

"An Evening in the Countryside"

Naughty drizzle,
Shimmering lights far away,
Rusted roofs,
Singing crickets,
Amidst these is a narrow road:
A dusty road,
With a longing look,
Carrying me to the woods of crazy wishes.

I stand by its side,
Stare at the empty vastness,
Yet feel the whispering love,
Of the million living laughing branches.

I wish I were a little bird,
I would have flown from tree to tree,
I would have kissed every leaf,
I would have lived a loving night every night
And slept in the arms of the evening moon light.

Alas! I am human,
Need to go back to where I come from,
I need to be me at the end;
And waiting for another evening in the countryside.

"The Dancing Rain Drops"

I have always been a 'dancer in the rain'. I love the little drops strumming my face so soft and tender leaving behind the warmth of joy. Rain has been a fascinating phenomenon ever since I first drenched myself. I don't remember when it was but I remember how I enjoyed it and smiled all my way back from school. My loving mother thrashed me for that!

One time in Shillong (I grew up there, class 1 through 12), when I was in my 8th or 9th standard, heavy rains came pouring down when we were waiting for our car to take us home. Unexpected huge, nearly lawn tennis ball sized, spiked hail stones fell along. Our car window glasses got scratched, the hood got dents and we got bad bruises. That day was when I really got scared of rains. It however didn't break my spirit, I still love drenching myself and splashing water puddles and not carrying umbrella be it hail storms or heavy rains...

I wonder the effect such water drops falling from 'high skies' has on everything...leaves shine better, ground gets cleaned, new life germinates, birds chirp, and breeze gets cooler. I had not much time to stand and enjoy rains for a few years now but these past 4 days I feel like I am in heaven--the little dancing and playful rain drops sing unto my ears in the morning. I watch them caress everything that they touch. The swaying of leaves, the fragrance of the thirsty earth and tiny sparrows bathing themselves. O! How Majestic.

The best dish for a rainy day (personal taste) is hot cup of thick dark coffee and French fries or most loved Indian "Besan ke pakode". My taste buds are tickling! For instance, I had 5 cups of hot tea today!

The little feet of Rain Drops,
Dancing to the rhythm of my heartbeat,
Causing me a restless urge,
I miss my childhood days.


I miss today,
The holding of hands,
Wetting of skirts,
Blowing of whistles with my little friends.


I yearn today to feel-
Feel the surrendering eternal love,
Of Thee-
My companion of silent wishes,
My warrior of untold fears,
My strength of a thousand years.

Education and the New Learning

I have always learned that education paves the way of a better living and can refine one's thoughts. I have always known the difference between being educated and literate - educated beings understand where and what to say and do but all literate beings can't differentiate right and wrong.

Yesterday, 31st August 2010, I and parents have been on a 6 hour journey by car to my Aunt's place. On the way, in a place called Urang, we noticed a traffic jam. Frankly, I had been sleeping so awoke with a noise of honking horns and abusive language. I opened my eyes and with a sleepy head figured out that no vehicle ahead of us were moving nor were any cars coming from the other side. After trying to figure out a way to get rid of the jam I saw that a procession of school children, bearing huge banners, were holding a road blockade. I read the banner and found that their headmaster/principal was expelled from service and the students took out a procession demanding his return to work. My mom and I talked to the other people gathered and found out that their demand or cause was probably not unjust. Since I had not much knowledge about the entire event I kept shut and did not comment. However, after around 30 minutes when things were taking a turn towards rude and hostile behavior, I couldn't help say that "Stupidity and nonsense have limits". An elderly man, I guess a father of one of the students, talked to me and asked what I felt.

During that small conversation I told him that there will be no gains by harassing the general public or bringing the school fight to the roads. In reply he told me that these days some are taught such ways of expressing their intelligence. I then realized that somewhere the education system is faulting. However, since my mother had the Indian Army dependent card through my late brother, we were allowed to move ahead.

The students in the procession were from Class 7 to 10th. I have thinking since then that in my school life we were not so aggressive and never took our school issues to the public or at least not to the roads. It was never that we had no problems but we boycotted classes and took a procession out to the Head Sister's chamber. We used to sit out for entire day in the playground and still we were heard and never were we not respected or loved. I see the change now, students have become so 'political' in their thoughts and actions. Those young kids knew no respect, they had no regards for all the parents and grownups while using insulting and abusive words.

After coming back to Guwahati I have noticed 3 such events. Yesterday's procession blew my wits out. Where is education leading our youth of today? Is it teaching them to be not learning good but learning coercive power form? Is education today teaching the Indian youth not to respect others? Or is it teaching them to be truthful and respectable? How will they be respected if they can't understand how and when to respect whom?

I am neither saying all students and the entire youth population is worthless nor am I saying that I am a very good human being. I though hold myself quite highly educated because I still know how to respect others and at least try to solve an issue by discussion and logical argument not violence. It is time to do a bit of work in teaching our children or young ones about being truly educated and not just having high percentages in progress reports. Let us do one good deed for a better growth of our country.