"A Feeling of Disgust"

I had been silent,
Didn't let go of my dreams,
Constructed walls,
Protected my own self.

You come by,
Lure me to an ending,
You hear out my dreams,
And leave me disgusted.

I held onto a mirage for years,
Broken now every wall is,
Barren now my dreams are,
God Bless Thee who caused me a shame non-forgettable.

"The Raw Reality"

'Reality', a word that means a lot to everyone and nothing can be done about it by anyone. We grow up and make friends and then we have stronger relationships. Sometimes in life, we need to ask ourselves where and how has the reality of these relationships settled? At some point of time we start belonging to a relationship or friendship or maybe profession and then it eats on to us and our capacity to bear the pain. It will be the rarest of realities that are happy. We lose ourselves to someone else and then we keep thinking that destiny has made that choice but where did our decision-making power hide? We don't like a dress we choose not to buy it, we throw an old shoe away and eat the food that suits us best then why sometimes we make choices against our own will? That's where we end up hurting ourselves and few others who really care about us.

The brooding over past is definitely a common thing. Girls tend to do that more even though they can come out and get over a difficulty easily. It is because they need to manage the running of a home so they can't stay put at one particular moment. Somehow it is good to think about the actions in past and the consequences that made the present of our lives. We always say that we should live at the present moment but a present wouldn't have existed without a past and future will not if there is no present. It is interrelated how much we try to deny.

If we never made choices even after wanting to then we never get a chance again. We can never get back that day, that moment and that choice of that past time. We may be standing parallel to the same moment but the roads never meet. We try in an effort to revive happiness or revive our souls or make a difference in maybe someone's life, but it never ends well. There will be a kind of remorse and unhappiness about it. Someone if you have hurt is back as the same old friend then believe me it is not the same. If a job comes back to you it may have different responsibilities. The 'coming backs' definitely should get you stronger and leave you with a self-realization never felt before. But sometimes these also come with a price of their own......you can end up making a stupid mistake. The lesson learnt should be never to make a choice without our will and if made never to bring back or retain it or even 'ease' it.

We are meant to live our own lives, but in the process never make another life difficult. We should respect the way we were born, the capabilities we have got and the immense gift of thoughts and ideas. We should never let a moment's joy or grief affect our whole life. Most important, never let go of our own secrets, keep the greatest secrets with ourselves. The secret to a healthy self-respect!

"Certain Nicknames"

Nicknames are just how people remember you at times. Your parents know you better by your pet name and as you grow up you get christened with various pet names with reasons and meanings behind each. Few pet names that I remember, given to me and given by me or the "a.k.a".

When I was around 6 years old:

• Chum - By Bro my 'bestest' friend because I was the sweetest girl on earth for him and it continued forever

School and College (11th & 12th) Friends

• Shorty - Forgotten who christened me this but reason being my short height.
• Petrol - A classmate named me in school because I seem to have fought with her
• Suji - I christened a beautiful girl (classmate), I really distorted the name!
• Kaddu - Given by a very close friend I named Pols....
• K- Given by my friend whom I called Shek
• Ruh - My friend Ruhi 
• Dipu - Deppak my friend

But most commonly I was and am still called Kavi.

Bachelor's and MBA:

• KKK - Can't expand it!!! My pet name running even now
• Hari Mirchi meaning green chilli given by my friend's brother's friends....
• Chutki again because I am short

I guess I can remember just this much. It may seem gibberish and meaningless to a lot of you. It holds importance now when I have looked back at my life and at those people who at one time been so good, close or hurt to have named me. Nice to have nick names. It means some one cares in some way and that I remember them in a special way. Thanks.